I'd like to think of myself as idealistic and rebellious, but in reality, I am, but to a small degree. I recognize that now, after years of thinking I was more than I really was. After all, I work for a corporation in ultra-conservative Corporate America, I no longer have long hair, and I have "grown up" to an extent.
Growing up has strange effects on people.
I used to think I was strange. Now I know I am, but not in the same way I thought I was. I thought of myself as the odd outcast, computer geek-type. Now I just find that I'm more comfortable living a safer, less risky, more subdued, less exciting life. Well, less exciting by the standards of some. Not by me.
I am one of the few people in the world (friends and immediate family excluded) who can handle any topic in a conversation without blushing. I have a difficult time interacting with people who are not like this at least a little.
Maybe I just feel I am more advanced than the rest of the species. I've thought about that. No, I'm not big on Street-knowledge or good instincts for sports or outdoor activities, but something deep down inside me tell me there is something special about me. Maybe that makes me just like everyone else, but maybe it doesn't. If this sounds elitist, it is, but it isn't. If you know what that means, I am glad. If not, I don't think I could explain it properly, but here goes.
The human race is evolving, slowly but surely. Every generation or two, subtle changes take place, barely noticeable, and by the time anyone notices the change, nobody remembered what it was like without the change. So maybe I am part of the next phase of human evolution. I'd like to think so.
I have a terrible ego, and a complete lack of self-confidence at the same time. It's an odd combination, which is frustrating to deal with when it comes time to make decisions or take action.
That about sums it up. The dark, dirty truth. I'm glad it's out there.