The poems on this page were written within the first few years after I left Stony Brook. I wrote a lot in the June 1991 through sometime in 1993, and then slowed down again until 1994 and 1995, when a resurgence came. All of the poems written in that era share a common theme, and a similar style. Below is a sample of some of my favorites.
(These next four poems were written between July 1991 and January 1992, about this one particular girl. Believe it or not, this is almost exactly the way my 'relationship' with her progressed. I wrote what happened, and it felt great. I spent many an hour in Sam Goody looking at music I would never buy just to be around her.)
As I Have Dreamed
I see your face and start to cry,
Then get depressed and don't know why.
I know your name and nothing more;
Despite this fact, I still adore
Your every action, every move.
My love for you, I wish to prove,
For I can see that we could be
A pair so close that none could see
The gap between us which would feel
As non-existent and unreal
As something in this world can be
To lovers like yourself and me.
My only problem, here I state:
Our love affair, I fear must wait
Until you know that I am here,
Alive and waiting for my dear.
For my existence is unknown
To you, my love, though I am prone
To fantasize about us two,
Together as we're walking through
The city streets, the beach, the park.
We're holding hands out in the dark,
And lost in one another's eyes,
But then I wake and realize
That all of it was just a dream
And not as real as it did seem.
It hurts to feel a love so deep
That's unfulfilled except in sleep
When R.E.M. is in control
Of every thought throughout my soul.
I wish that our love were real
So I would not be forced to feel
As though what I must face ahead
Will all be made up in my head.
I'll introduce myself one day
And when I get the chance to say
How my emotions can not deal
With fantasies which aren't real,
I'll tell you how I feel for you,
And tell you all about me too,
Then hope that you will understand
That I will always love you and
I promise I will treat you right
And care for you each day and night
For I can't bear to see you frown
And I could never let you down.
A boundless love is what we'd share
If you just knew how much I care.
How much I care is hard to say;
I only hope there is a way
For us to meet and fall in love
As I can not stop dreaming of.
Now, as I mentioned at the start,
I do not know what kind of heart
That you possess inside your breast.
But, nonetheless, I do feel blessed,
To know, at least, your face and name.
And I will hope you are the same
As I've imagined you to be
For all the dreams that come to me
Are from assumptions which I make.
If I am wrong, my heart will break
And I will fall in deep despair
Because I see us as a pair.
Of all the things that you could do
To make my dreams of you come true
The two which stand out most of all
Appear to be minute and small.
You have to be aware of me
And be as I have dreamed you'll be.
As I Have Dreamed 2
My dreams had nearly all come true.
I got the chance to speak to you.
It doesn't matter how we met,
I only hope that you won't let
Your first impressions guide your way.
My nervous system likes to play
A wicked game upon my voice,
And once it starts, I have no choice.
It starts to quiver, shake and crack
And makes me sound as if I lack
A brain, or any thinking tool
As I keep talking like a fool.
So cautiously I try to speak,
So ardently I search and seek
For ways to end this curse on me.
With you, I feel I'll always be
Too nervous to make sense at all
And that will be my greatest fall.
I waited all my life for you
So hopeful that you would come true,
Then, finally, the chance arose.
I can't believe the words I chose.
I tried to sound so eloquent
And everything I said was meant
To sound impressive, sweet, sincere,
Yet now I wish you didn't hear
A word of which I spoke to you
Because I uttered very few
For which I feel an ounce of pride
Though I admit I really tried.
Although disaster ran it's course
I do not feel too much remorse.
There's just one thing that keeps me sane
And eases almost all the pain.
I found out when you talked to me,
You are as I have dreamed you'd be.
And though I messed it up back then,
I know I have to try again.
As I Have Dreamed 3
A month went by, then two, then three;
No words of wisdom came to me.
The more I tried to talk to you
The more I wish that you just knew
How happy I would make you feel
Instead of forcing me to steal
Your heart away with words and love
When all the words I'm thinking of
Would make no sense to anyone
And so I choose to speak not one.
But, suddenly, a vision came
Reminding me you are the same
As I have dreamed that you would be,
And then this dream encouraged me
To try again to speak with you.
So, as I'm thinking what to do
To fix what I had done before
I start to wonder more and more
The reason why I acted so;
Now, finally, I think I know.
Your beauty and your elegance
Along with your intelligence
Have made me quiet, shy and meek
And made it hard for me to speak.
Alas, your personality
Has cast a wicked spell on me.
I look on you with longing eyes,
And when I look I realize
That you are more than I deserve
And that is why I lose the nerve
To talk to you when you are near.
It took a whisper in my ear
From silence I had never heard
For me to realize every word
Appropriate enough to say
To one affecting me this way.
Now, this one time, the words came out.
I shocked myself, without a doubt.
But, still, you didn't answer 'yes';
You left my heart a tangled mess.
Depression hit me on the spot.
My feet were cold, my head was hot.
A burning sickness struck my soul
That ravaged through and left a hole
Which, without you, I can not fill
And so forever shall be ill.
Instead of giving up this time
I think I'll write another rhyme;
'Cause when it has to do with you
I write exactly what I do,
And maybe if I write it first,
My tongue no longer will be cursed.
As I Have Dreamed 4
My love for you was not returned.
It took some time, but I have learned
That you are not as I have dreamed
Although at first you really seemed
To be that special one for me.
I can't believe I didn't see
How wrong for me you really are.
But something made me go too far
And made it hard to turn around;
But, finally, I think I found
The truth behind this whole ordeal.
At times, my heart begins to feel
A little stronger than it should
And though I know it isn't good
To dream as often as I do,
I can't control my thoughts of you.
I think the reason may just be
That what we call reality
Is something foreign to my brain
And, therefore, I can not refrain
From dreaming some outrageous things
Including flirts and phoney flings.
I said your personality
Had cast a wicked spell on me.
I think what blinded me the most
Was my desire just to boast
That I was yours and you were mine
Because your beauty is so fine.
At first, I failed to look inside,
And then I let my foolish pride
Propel me down this twisted street
With signs that told me you were sweet.
My heart was led so far astray;
It will be hard to find my way
Along the path I knew before
And yet, inside, I still adore
That something special in your smile.
I know that it will take a while
For me to get you out of here
But I know if I persevere
It can be done and I'll be fine
Especially with friends like mine
Who will be there to help me heal.
In closing, I would like to seal
A final kiss with my good-bye
For when I dreamed I was as high
As I had never been before;
But now, I can not ask for more
Than memories of tender love
Which I was only dreaming of.
I hope you have a joyous life
That's free of sorrow, pain and strife.
You've helped me grow; I've learned a lot.
I now know that my plans are not
To see somebody and adore
The outer beauty, nothing more.
I would, however, like to say
I really hope there is a way
To find somebody who will be
As I had dreamed that you would be.
(This was written about my friend Dani, who helped me to appreciate my
own poetry again, after a long period of time where I felt it was all garbage. For that, if for nothing else, I adore her.)
Poetry crystallizes in my mind.
The paper feels its warmth.
The reader's soul is touched.
I look again at what I've formed.
I see their bows.
I hear their praise.
Yet joy and pride decide to hide.
But then, a special reader reads.
And gives me a hug.
She recites what I wrote.
What I thought.
What I felt.
She feels it.
I look again at what I've formed.
A smile blesses my lips.
Before she came, my poems hid.
Under my pillow.
Under my bed.
No one understood.
No one cared.
But now, my poems show themselves.
They are loved.
They are cared for.
They are endeared.
A special thrill enthralls my soul.
I now can share my poetry.
For thanks, I share a tender hug.
Our embrace is enveloped with poetic love.
(This is one that I spent years formulating the nuances of, simply by living my life. This tells about my pain and struggles against bad timing, and each time I read it, I like it and appreciate it more and more. Mainly because no matter how old I seem to get, this still applies to my life)
I've waited all my life, it seems,
With hopes and prayers and lifeless dreams
For any chance we'd have to meet
And yet I can't admit defeat.
I've learned through time, it's my mistake;
I never have the guts to take
A chance when it should come along.
I know that I am always wrong
Because I seem to take that chance
When there is hope of no romance.
At times I see you very near
And then my heart begins to fear
That you and I may get too close;
And this is when I take my dose
Of timing pills which you can see
Do not work very well for me.
They are supposed to calm me down.
Instead they make me think and frown
About the times I've had before;
When all I did was nothing more
Than act when patience would be best
Or lose my chance while I would rest.
So then I do it all again;
I act right now like I did then.
My timing has, much more than once,
Declared me as a total dunce.
I never seem to get it right;
You might just think I lacked the sight
To see what I have always done;
To try to pick out any one
Mistake that seems to plague my skull
And then decide to make it null.
Although my timing isn't good
I think that maybe now we should
Examine closer those events
Where my disaster was immense
And timing was the very soul
But my appearance in this role
Was as the victim, not the man
Who messes up each time he can.
A situation shows its face
When it is not the time or place
For me to be involed with you
And so I get depressed and blue
Amd maybe even start to cry
Because if it had come on by
At my convenience, not its own,
Then things would be more neatly sewn.
Instead, my life is torn apart
Because I know inside my heart
That you and I could really be
A pair like none would ever see.
You are my life's ambitious goal;
I need you deep inside my soul.
Your vision haunts me every night;
I lay in bed, turn out the light
And see you lying next to me.
But then my brain begins to see
A different scene, another end;
I know I really must pretend
That you are even here at all
For otherwise my brain will fall
Into the timing trap again
And you and I shall only yen
To be together every day.
I'd like to take the time to say
That you are all I'm living for
And you are all that I adore;
For love is you and you are love
And timing shall not rise above.
(This is a tale of two people who share what I call a forbidden, or
impossible love. One that keeps them bonded together, and yet keeps them
apart from each other. This was a painful one to write, and is even more
painful to read.)
A longing so deep.
A panging so hard.
Boredom is everywhere.
Nothing is joyous.
Nothing is sacred.
Desire runs rampant.
Minutes are hours.
Hours are minutes.
My heart is in pieces.
My heart is sinking.
My soul is empty.
My soul is lost.
Not what I want.
Not what I need.
I only want one.
I only want her.
Not what I get.
I am not the first.
I am not the last.
Others have hurt.
It still isn't easy.
It still isn't fun.
I'm hurting all over.
I feel it within.
I feel it without.
I'm losing the battle.
The battle of love.
The battle of life.
We can't be together.
Together at all.
Yet still we can share.
Yet still we can love.
Forever in secret.
Together in pain.
Together in love.
Forever in love.
Forever in pain.
(Here is one of my own personal favorites. It is a tale of someone who knows he has been helped by someone and yet also knows that the help was
short-term. Another painful one to write and to read.)
As darkness descends on our embrace,
I sit all alone and try to erase
The pain and the loss that dwell on my mind.
You're gorgeous and sweet and caring and kind,
And love was a fate I could not avoid.
You entered my life and then you destroyed
The sorrow I felt for so many years,
The pain of a child surrounded by tears.
The time that I spent together with you
Was free of the sadness that I always knew.
You gave me a reason for living my life;
You taught me to love without all the strife
And baggage which tends to ruin a fling.
With you, I never regretted a thing.
But time was not our eternal friend,
And all good things must come to an end.
So now we will part our separate ways,
And I'll have to spend the rest of my days
Just pondering why we never could be,
Because in my mind, I really can't see
A reason for us to wander apart.
I haven't a clue if my aching heart
Will ever be able to love someone new
With all of my soul the way I love you.
I know that your love has drifted away.
I know that you love another today.
Although I am hurting much more than I should,
My wishes for you are nothing but good.
I'd love nothing more than to have you with me,
But that is a fate which just can not be.
I hope that you have a love that is kind.
Go on with your life and don't look behind.
The choices you make should be about you
And have absolutely nothing to do
With others around you as long as you feel
That what you have done has helped you to heal.
I want you to know from deep in my soul
That I will attempt to somehow control
The loneliness, emptiness, sorrow and fear;
They're only around because you're not near.
I know I must keep these feelings at bay.
They only can hinder the genuine way
I wish to convey my hopes and my prayers
That you live a life without any cares.
My feelings for you will never subside;
You've had an effect I just can not hide.
For this I would like to thank you so much,
Because had I never cherished your touch,
I don't know for sure what I would have done
But life would have been so much less than fun.
I'll always look back and cherish the days
My life was enriched in so many ways.
I just want to tell you for one final time,
That you made me feel as though I could climb
The highest of mountains, the steepest of hills;
I've loved all the joys and all of the thrills.
No matter what happens from now until then,
You gave me a chance to live life again.
It's all up to me to start it right now,
But you were the one who showed me just how.
For everything which I have mentioned above,
I always will feel the deepest of love.
(For those of you who have ever felt a one-sided love, I recommend
that you take a box of tissues before reading this. I personally get a tear
in my eye each time I read it, and it seems to have had a similar effect
on others as well.)
Loneliness echoes through the cold, dark night.
Silence screams in petrified fright.
Anxiety quivers and shakes as fear grows deep.
Hopefulness wanes as I pray for sleep.
The soft touch of your gentle skin will always remain.
Your vision can ease my deepest pain.
Your scent is embedded deep in my soul.
Your presence has taken a wicked toll.
A haunting vigil embraces my senses.
Without you near, I have no defenses.
I wait and I hope as our distance grows stronger.
As time crawls by, the night becomes longer.
My pain subsides with a single glance.
Your voice propels me into a trance.
But time is not our lifelong friend.
Reality limits the hours we spend.
My love is a dream from which I must wake.
Though it conquers my sleep when sanity's at stake.
So when you are here, I'll dream all the while.
I'll dream about you and I'll cherish of your smile.
I'll dream of the dream when sleep fades away.
And hope we can dream together someday.
(The metaphor in there is the line "My love is a dream from which I
must wake". After that, you may substitute the word love for the word
dream almost everywhere. For example, "So when you are here, I'll dream all the while " means "When you're with me, I'll love you as much as possible" and "I'll dream of the dream when sleep fades away" means, "I'll dream of our love when you are no longer near me".)
The loneliness lulls me.
Silence begs me to speak.
My deepest desire.
My only wish.
My strongest prayer.
Can not be fulfilled.
My soul is on fire.
My love is ablaze.
With empty flames.
And freezing heat.
And nothing to burn.
Boredom is calling.
I wish we could love.
The way that I love.
Despair is a blade.
The sharpest of all.
It slashes and cuts.
And rips me apart.
It slices my soul.
It stabs at my heart.
Love is the bandage.
To heal all the wounds.
I'm bleeding to death.
I feel poetry forming.
Inside of my heart.
Inside of my head.
From deep in my soul.
The words have no form.
The verses, no meaning.
The poem, no point.
And yet I read on.
I feel the poem.
I become the poem.
I know the poem.
I am the poem.
And you are the poet.
(This is another sad one, written at a time when I felt I had no friends, when I was all alone, and I felt betrayed. I felt that my openness and honesty with my friends had led them to take advantage of me and leave.)
My soul is a field.
Of grass and trees.
Of hopes and dreams.
Love is a gate.
Protecting the field.
I open the gate.
To open the field.
To lovers and friends.
My field is empty.
I close my gate.
I close my mind.
I close my soul.
My field is empty.
I sit by the gate.
I stare outside.
At the people.
I look at my gate.
I close my eyes.
Imagine the gate.
To let people in.
Let people inside.
The people will come.
Inside my gate.
And play in my field.
Love my field.
I open my eyes.
My gate is closed.
Too many people.
Come and gone.
Played in my field.
Left me alone.
Stare at my field.
My empty field.
My empty dreams.
My lost friends.
My lost loves.
My lost hopes.
My closed gate.
I want it open.
Welcome the people.
Welcome the friends.
Welcome the loves.
The gate is closed.
The field is bare.
The dream is gone.
Despair is killing.
Killing the grass.
Killing the trees.
Destroying my field.
The gate is closed.
I Can Not
(Here is another personal favorite of mine, dealing yet again with an impossible situation. A one-sided love with someone who was unreachable, not only in the sense of emotional ties, but physical boundaries as well.)
I can't send you roses, I can't buy you flowers;
I can't sit and stare at your beauty for hours.
I can't write you notes to tell you I love;
I can not express what I'm dreaming of.
I can not be with you whenever I feel
That I'd like to hold something tangible, real.
I can't dream of you for fears when I wake
That I will recall that dreaming is fake.
I can not express my deep love for you.
I can not forsee my dreams coming true.
I can't make a call; I can't hear your voice;
I can't see your face; I don't have a choice.
I can not begin to tell you my pain.
I can not believe that I can refrain.
I can not accept that we can not be.
I can not allow my fears to roam free.
I can not love you the way that I dream.
I can not believe that I really deem
This sorrow and pain to be all I know.
I can not believe that we will not grow
Together as one instead of as two.
I can not believe how much I love you.
I can not accept these terms I must face.
I can not believe I am losing the race.
I can not continue my life all alone.
I can not begin again on my own.
I can't send a flower; I can't send a rose;
I can't send a note; I can't write you prose.
I can not believe how happiness rots.
I can not live life with all these can nots.